Our TTC journey #2

It all started on the 4th of February.

We spoke about having another child after Christmas and when the right time would be.

Let’s be honest there is never a right time and you never know how long this time round it could take.

We knew Phoebe was conceived 10 days after I came off the pill. I went back on the pill 5 weeks after I gave birth to Phoebe.

By January I stopped taking it as I wanted to have regular periods again. My periods pretty much went back to normal straight away which was a good sign.

I had no idea about the whole ovulation thing or when your meant to try to conceive. So luckily I had a fantastic group of mummies from Instagram that made a WhatsApp group and we all helped each other and cheered each other on when one of us had sex👏🏻

It was nice to have a group of girls to chat to about all of this and have them around day or night for advice or tips.

So I was using the ovia app to track periods, sex and ovulation even when I had no clue.

A few months went passed and I still couldn’t pin point ovulation – I was lucky enough to collaborate with clear blue –

They sent me a box of 25 tests. It was a Digital one which had built in Bluetooth and connected to a app on your phone. Which to me sounded fab so easy to use.

It asks you to put in your last period, how long it was and how long your cycles are. So weirdly mine would be 32 days. so I was longer than normal I had to take more ovulation tests to find peak but it didn’t take more than 3 days and they actually put in the day I’d be peak and it was correct.

So I hit peak on the 10th of May. The machine flashes a smiley face and the face stayed lit up for 2 days.

I then found out I was pregnant on the 22nd of May. We were so excited and we told our parents and left it at that. I took a digital test and I was 3 weeks. so around the 5 week mark.

We had sex on the 28th and I started to bleed. Now I didn’t want to panic so I messaged he girls and sent photos of how much blood was there when wiping. It started of as quite a bit and very dark. Of course I looked online and it was looking towards miscarriage. The girls were so supportive and so was my husband. We had to keep positive and hold on to our baby as much as we could. I rang 111 and they were so helpful. They said to ring in the morning if there was still blood and they warned my district hospital. I put a pad on and kept on my left side and went straight to sleep.

Next morning I had no blood on the pad. I was so relieved but I then went to the toilet and a clot fell out and it was rather a large clot and shaped funny. I sent it to my mum and showed Kurt. We googled it and it was the same shape and size of a 6 weeks foetus. I cried over the phone to my mum and fell to the floor. Kurt walked in and hugged me so tight. I went to lie down and forgot I rang the hospital and they asked how I was I mentioned the clot and they said they will send someone up to bring me in to check me over.

They arrived in over 20 minutes they came in a ambulance and took me to the hospital. I got into a gown and they booked me in for a scan. Took some bloods to check my hormone level. I knew deep down I had lost this baby, I knew deep down it had gone. I cried to the nurse and she gave me a hug and held my hand and said be positive think positive. Woman do bleed while pregnant not every pregnancy is the same.

My mum was on her way as Kurt had to stay home with Phoebe. So I was sat on my own for a good hour and that hour felt like years.

I had all my girls messaging me making sure I didn’t feel alone.

When they took my bloods and had a feel of my stomach I just couldn’t bare being in here anymore.

My mum arrived and they told me my scan was at 12.30. So I got dressed put on another pad and we got a coffee.

My mum was my rock she said- darling IF you have lost this baby just think it possibly could of had something wrong with it and it might not have made it when you had given birth so your body has rejected it. IF you have lost this baby maybe your body wasn’t quite ready.

Hearing that made me slightly feel ok, not better but made me re think it all.

Am I lucky that I lost it this early? Do I feel any better that I’ve lost a baby 6 weeks pregnant and not 12/16weeks? I think no matter when you loose a baby that was your baby and you still made that baby.

We headed to the scan, I could feel myself breaking I didn’t want to be told my sac was empty I didn’t want to see nothing.

Waiting to enter that room was the most and worst thing I have ever had to do.

We went in and sat down. I had to have this huge probe thing up my vagina and it was so uncomfortable – they were searching and moving side to side to check the lining. It was thick and basically back to normal. She checked my ovaries and they were all ok and everything else was ok. Just no baby.

I got up cleaned myself up, put on a new pad and we saw the doctor afterwards and he was so lovely and explained 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. More than 6 in 10 of women who have a recurrent miscarriage go on to have a successful pregnancy. He also said About 1 in 100 women in the UK experience recurrent miscarriages (three or more in a row). Now I was shocked as I never knew how close the odds were. Even my mum was shocked.

He gave me a leaflet and some websites to look into. He said you can start trying as soon as you stop bleeding as you’ll be highly fertile but everyone’s different. Some woman wait until 3 periods have happened it’s all up to you and how you and your partner feel.

We started walking to the car my dad rang and mum told him and he spoke to me and was so sorry for us both and I just burst out crying.

Kept saying how it was all my fault, kept thinking how I moved phoebes room around on my own lifting her cot without help, then moving her draws the lot. I hated myself.

We got home my mum got me chocolate and lots of biscuits. Phoebe gave me the biggest cuddle and the whole world just felt better already. It’s like she knew she kept hugging me and putting her head on my tummy.

I started to get serious pains and they lasted all night but the husband bought take out, we watched friends all night cuddled on the sofa and I would go in and out of crying he cried to and he said just means we got to step up our game he was so keen and so supportive. I was in so much pain for a good 2 days after the period/bleeding lasted a good 5 days and was heavy and clotty.

We held off testing for ovulation for at least a month but we still had sex and I kept note. I then had my second period on the 26th June. Still fairly heavy but not many clots.

We then started to use Clearblue ovulation tests again I hit peak on the 7th of July. We just booked our first family holiday on the 15th so we weren’t thinking to much about it. We enjoyed it and I drank and ate everything I wanted. We got back on the 22nd and I came on my period on the 24th.

I would of been 12 weeksish on my birthday on the 19th july but we luckily were abroad and were having the time of our lives and Phoebe was in her element so I didn’t have much time to think about it.

I’ve been high fertility since the 2nd to the 5th of August as I’ve ran out of tests. I’m hoping I can get some more as they have helped us so much and are the best ones around.

It’s hard seeing others announce that they are pregnant or seeing someone announce a gender when you were so close in due dates with them. But it’s not their fault and it’s not my fault. My body clearly wasn’t ready to carry a baby. I’m just enjoying my friends being pregnant and having babies because I know my time will come it’s just going to take some time.

August: so I finished my period on the 28th July and I started to test for ovulation around the 31st and I was low. I then retired on the 2nd and I was high, which means I needed to test daily to find my peak but I was high fertility every day up to the 5th. Sadly I ran out of tests and didn’t find out my peak but we decided to have sex on the 2nd,5th,8th and 10th just so we didn’t miss that window.

And now we wait clear blue is saying my period is due around the 21st and ovia is saying 27th.

As some may wait to test I decided to test on 17th as I was roughly 2 weeks from ovulation.

Couldn’t see a second line. Which was fine I was like maybe it’s to early. So I then decided not to test again until I went over the date my period was due. Clearblue said 21st so I’m 2 days “late” so I tested again with a cheapie and a first response.

Still nothing. Now its all down to time and it makes me feel physically sick thinking about going to the toilet and seeing blood. I really thought August was our month as I’ve had sickness, headaches and even mouth ulcers.

I guess we will have to wait and see.

Nope August wasn’t our month I was 2 days late but came on. Was a normal period of 4 days.

I hit high fertility on the 1st of September and peak on the 5th and 6th – below is a photo of the app I use.

I took a first response test on the 17th and came up negative. I won’t be testing again unless I’m late as it can’t be dealing with seeing more negatives

We also both started taking these on the 1st September. Kurts cut down on drinking coke and caffeine as coke is shown to slow down 30% of sperm.

I’m starting a diet at the end of the month as I think it would be good to loose a stone before falling again. I know size doesn’t matter for some but maybe it could be a reason why I’m not.

I have been feeling rough for 2 weeks with achy body, sore boobs and such bad toothache.

As some will know when TTC testing can get addictive and yes I tested again on the 18th.

So on the 18th the test was negative after 5 minutes so I left it on the side and went out for the day. Came back and had a second line now I know anything after 10 minutes normally classes as a negative so I thought I’d wait and check in the morning again with my first wee.

So today is the day. I’m trying to not get to excited as it is a cheapie. But here is all 3 tests together.

I’m trying so hard not to get excited as I’m due on tomorrow and don’t want to get my hopes up. I have some Clearblue tests coming tomorrow so we shall see I know hCG doubles every two days in early pregnancy so hopefully I’ll have a stronger line tomorrow if these tests are correct.🤞🏻

Phoebe woke at 6.05 this morning and I sorted her out and gave her some fruit, the husband bought another box of cheap tests as our local didn’t sell Clearblue 🙄

So these £1 tests came up as a positive. I’m still not 100% convinced and I don’t think I will be for a while I’m due on today and I’m shit scared I’m going to bleed or see blood every time I wipe. My anxiety is sky high and I think it will be till I’m further gone. I’ve ordered a box of Clearblue tests they should be here today or tomorrow so fingers crossed I don’t come on🤞🏻

I did a Clearblue and a clear blue digital and they both came back as negative which made my heart break but sometimes they aren’t as sensitive. so I did another cheapie and a First response and it came back with two lines but very faint still.

It’s now the 23rd and I’ve had a slight bleed and it was brownish rather than dark red or bright red. Some say spotting I am just praying it’s implantation bleeding. Just have to wait and see.

I have just gone to the bathroom, and the biggest amount of blood came out. Dark red and a lot of if. That’s it I’m not pregnant. I’m in bits and can barely breath. I have a headache where I’ve been crying all morning and I just want to know why my body hates me and why can’t I carry another baby. I’m going to ring the doctors and book an appointment as my mental health is so fucked.

I rang the doctors later that day and in all fairness he wasn’t much help. I generally wanted some testing done or to even be seen as i was all over the place and didn’t understand why it was happening to me. He kept saying its very common for someone to go through 3/4 miscarriages in their life time, now that’s not what i wanted to here after i told him we are actively trying. He said you’re not alone plenty of woman go through this but you wouldn’t know as its not spoken about. He asked a few questions about what i was doing to help i told him a list. Anyway by the end of it i felt slightly better and i slowly stopped crying.

I sent a text to my mum explaining what happened she rang me and all i could do was cry she said shed be right over and hung up the phone. As soon as she got to me she gave me the biggest cuddle and just held me. i could barely speak to her i just felt such a failure. She asked why i didn’t say anything at the weekend and I said this was why because i didn’t want to get over excited and then loose another baby and have to tell everyone again.

She made me a cuppa and just sat with me. I told her with the GP said and we chatted about it for a good couple of hours and i realized i needed to focus on myself and put my mind to rest with the idea of TTC. Take a break and focus my energy into my own body, Phoebe and Christmas.

I bought a 4 week shake plan with 6 bars from exante and i start on monday 30th September.  I want to shift some weight at least 2 stone.  my main aim is to focus on that and enjoy Christmas with my husband and my daughter as she will understand it so much more this year.

Week one of exante : I did 7 whole days on bars and shakes and I lost 5lb which was great couldn’t believe it.

I felt fine wasn’t getting poorly or hungry and was actually enjoying it.

2nd week I lost 2lb and was still loving it and not eating meals I had subway salad and a casserole that week.

3rd week I lost 3lbs which I was so chuffed about as I now had lost 10lb! And I felt like I could have a treat as me and the husband have a week off together and had a date night planned for tonight at wildwood! I am also due my period this week so I was ready to eat what I wanted.

I’ve been very naughty this week but it’s rare we have a week off together so we both enjoyed it! We had a lovely date night it was just what we needed Phoebe stayed at mums for the night. We also had kebab and kfc this week. So I wasn’t hoping for much 😂

Week 4: I maintained which I had to do a double check as I couldn’t believe it aha! Back on plan I went. Still no period and still no testing.

Week 5: 2lb! Happy November🥶 I did weigh myself Saturday and I had lost 3 but we’ve had a Halloween party and a 2nd birthday party event so who couldn’t not eat cake right?😂

So…

I had work Friday night. So I double checked my app to see when I should be due on and it was nearly 2 weeks late and I had read reviews about this diet sometimes it messes with your body and slowly periods down or stops them. I just presumed that it happened to me.

Saturday afternoon came (I slept 9-4) the other half was at work and I knew I had a test laying around and thought fuck it what’s the harm.

On Saturday 4.27pm I found out you existed.

No waiting the line appeared straight away and was so dark! I couldn’t believe it as last time I did one when I got a line it came back negative.

On Sunday at 8.37am I did a digital and I got 3+😭

I really hope this is it for us, I really hope this baby is safe and secure in my tummy. I’m still on this diet but eating one meal a day as I’m worried if I don’t eat enough it could put the baby at risk. I’m eat healthy and talking vitamins! I’m praying every night this little bean is our rainbow baby💕

So my last period which started on the 23rd of September is what I’m going from so I’m 6 weeks! I think this is the furthest we’ve got so I’m hoping and praying daily. I get so nervous and worried every time I wipe going to the toilet in case I see blood. Trying to stay positive and focus on keeping this little one healthy! I’ve started taking pregnacare plus

Hopefully these help protect the baby and make him/her grown big and strong.

I also did some test this evening at 11.06pm

Feeling super positive that the line is so dark! We are planning on doing a early scan just so we can see if the baby is ok and implanted correctly. I haven’t had any implantation bleeding and I don’t remember having any with phoebe either. So hopefully my body has done the right job and is keeping this baby safe inside.

We went to our early scan today at Window to the womb in Southampton. We paid £49 as they had a offer on at the time. So excited!!

I was scanning at 6w 6d. It was such a relief to see the little bean on the screen. The first thing the lady said was that the heartbeat was very strong and we could see it flickering away. She also said I ovulated from my left ovary, no blood around the sac or the baby. Which was a huge relief for me. When we got home I still was super nervous to see blood when I wiped but I rang the GP and made a midwife appointment even though it was going to take 3 weeks to see one.

We planned not to tell anyone till I was at least 12 weeks so we decided to leave it for a Christmas surprise.

3 weeks have gone by already and I had my midwife appointment at 9.30. We did bloods, blood pressure, urine sample and went through the book. Feels forever ago I did it and couldn’t remember a dam thing. The midwife was ok I just didn’t feel a connection with her like the one I had with Phoebe but hoping that changes later on. Once we had finished up taking over a hour we went straight home as the weather was awful and I had work that night.

I keep get such bad nausea for over a week now and its slowly eased off but it hits me hard without warning lately. It was getting harder to keep it a secret as I just felt so rough and tired.

Today we got a letter in the post for our dating scan which landed on the 23rd of December 8.30. Yup right before Christmas if my date were correct I should be around the 13 week mark.

Today was the day we got to see baby Ladd on the screen! We managed to get to the screen on time even though it was tipping it down with rain and we decided to walk up. Phoebe was good as gold as per watched Peppa on her amazon fire kindle we tried to point at her brother/sister but she had no idea. Once again strong heartbeat and a wriggler just like its sister was. We were in there scan room for over half an our due to the little bean wriggling around trying to get measurements. I was reading at 12w 6days which is what I thought roughly. Everything seamed fine and normal which was great we got some good scan photos this baby is the opposite side to what Phoebe was.

Once we left the room she said I had to have my bloods done, which was fine and I don’t remember doing it last time but I have got an awful memory. So I told Kurt to go and get to work. I was hoping it wasn’t going to be to long as I was seeing my sister and her kids for a mini Christmas get together. luckily she rang me around 10ish saying she was on the way but I was still up the hospital waiting to been seen about my asthma it was creeping to 10.30 and I told them I had to go as I had things to be doing, but they did my bloods, urine and blood pressure so I didn’t see the problem. I rushed back home as we live like 5-6 minutes from the hospital and luckily only left her waiting 10 minutes. She was none the wiser.

I can’t believe we managed to keep it a secret from everyone for 6 whole weeks. Specially me as I can’t for the life of me keep this sort of thing in. Even though I wanted to tell my family & close friends so badly I knew it would be a lovely Christmas surprise for everyone.

Christmas Day – We told everyone after dinner and it was just the reaction we were hoping for everyone was so pleased for us and understand. So glad we did it I even recorded it for YouTube to remember and show our rainbow baby. So please go check that out.

Today I am 13w 6d and the nausea has eased again. We told everyone on social media on Boxing Day and the amount of support we got was pure amazing.

Thank you all for reading our journey and I really hope this pregnancy goes well and the baby stays nice and healthy, remember to check out my Instagram for bumps and pregnancy updates.

See you soon!xxx